Setting: Headmaster’s office at Nyack Prep School, Southampton, N.Y.
Time: Autumn 1968, early evening
Characters: Mr. O’Hara, headmaster, 30s or 40s; Felix Novak, 16

O’HARA

You’re a bright boy, I mean, after all, you’re a curious boy. Don’t you want to know something about chemistry and algebra? You must be the least bit curious, Felix?

FELIX

Well, I thought about it, Mr. O’Hara, sitting here in your office with the books on the wall and molding in crisscross patterns on the ceiling and it occurred to me, right now and here, that I want to be outside and it dawned on me in this moment that outside is the place for me — outside riding my bicycle.

O’HARA

I did not ask you to come here to find out what you want to do.

FELIX

It’s just that, all through school, I mean elementary school, I looked out the window and wanted to be out there, in the sunshine or rain or snow, it didn’t matter. It’s all about being outside for me, sir. I can breathe outside and feel at home no matter where I am, Mr. O’Hara.

O’HARA

I see.

FELIX

Maybe I’m a cat or a nomad or gypsy or something?

O’HARA

Go to your classes.

FELIX

I go to classes.

O’HARA

Sure, history and English and French, but…

FELIX

Sir?

O’HARA

You play soccer don’t you?

FELIX

Yes?

O’HARA

Your weekends are free?

FELIX

Yes, except for rehearsals.

O’HARA

You don’t miss those do you?

FELIX

No, sir.

O’HARA

What’s the play?

FELIX

Of Mice and Men. Mr. Adam’s directing it.

O’HARA

I know. Who are you?

FELIX

George.

O’HARA

George?

FELIX

Yes, sir. I play, George.

O’HARA

I can see it. Yes.

FELIX

Thank you, sir. I tell Lenny about the rabbits.

O’HARA

Yes, I know.

FELIX

I think it is one of the saddest plays ever written.

O’HARA

Yes, I agree. But balance, Felix. That’s what I’m getting at. Find a balance between your outdoor life and indoor life. You can’t be a cat and a boy at the same time.

FELIX

That’s an interesting way of putting it, sir. Why not, sir?

O’HARA

That is a very good question.  Thank you for that question.

FELIX

You’re welcome, sir.

O’HARA

Balance.

FELIX

Why, sir?

O’HARA

Shut the door on your way out.

FELIX

Good night, sir.

O’HARA

Incidentally, Mrs. Rowen has better things to do than to search for you all over town every afternoon.

FELIX

Sir?

O’HARA

I’m calling Nick Adonio over at the Sip’n Soda first thing in the morning.

FELIX

Sip’n Soda, sir.

O’HARA

Yes, the Sip’n Soda.

FELIX

No, sir.

O’HARA

No, sir!

FELIX

It’s not the Sip’n Soda.

O’HARA

Felix, we know you hide there every day.

FELIX

Mr. O’Hara, it’s not called the Sip’n Soda. And I don’t, sir.

O’HARA

Novak…

FELIX

It’s Sip’n Soda. Just Sip’n Soda. No the, sir.

O’HARA

You don’t hide at the Sip n’, I mean, Sip’n Soda.

FELIX

No,sir.

O’HARA

You mean to tell me that you do not go to Sip’n Soda every day?

FELIX

Yes, sir, I go for a lime rickey and french fries, not to hide.

O’HARA

Well, that’s neither here nor there.

FELIX

Sir?

O’HARA

I am calling Nick Adonio first thing in the morning, and I happen to know Mr. Adonio, and I am telling you that I will have Mr.  Adonio call me when you go there other than on weekends and Wednesday afternoons.

FELIX

Yes, sir.

O’HARA

Did you punch Joey Coogan in the face?

FELIX

Yes, sir.

O’HARA

Why?

FELIX

Someone has to do something about bullies, Mr. O’Hara.

O’HARA

I get it, Felix Novak will wander and fight the bullies too, is that it? A regular Don Quixote.

FELIX

You know, Mr. O’Hara, sir, I think I should be allowed to ride my bicycle instead of going to those classes. I believe I learn more wandering. Aren’t we here to learn, sir? And besides, maybe those classes are not my idea of a well-rounded person.

O’HARA

You’re sixteen, right?

FELIX

What does that have to do with it?

O’HARA

Are you an authority on what makes a well-rounded person?

FELIX

No, Sir. I’m an authority on me.

O’HARA

New York State has a different idea of what makes a well-rounded person and I do not believe that includes wandering. There is a curriculum we have to follow in order to graduate from high school.

FELIX

Does a cat have to graduate from high school?

O’HARA

Maybe you have to take classes you don’t like so that you can do the things you do like — being in the play for instance, playing soccer.

FELIX

I don’t know what you mean, sir.

O’HARA

You know, John the barber will be here on Tuesday. I suggest you see him.

FELIX

Yes, sir.

O’HARA

Oh, and Felix, why were you on that church roof on Sunday, you and Farley and Berman?

FELIX

Mr. O’Hara, I just finished reading Crime and Punishment and I cannot read anything else for a long time.

O’HARA

Mr. Novak , you make these declarative sentences. Any other school would have expelled you. You have to go to class. Good night. I’ll see the three of you tomorrow after school, anyway.

FELIX

Thank you, Mr. O’Hara, sir. Good night, sir. (After a pause.) Sir?

O’HARA

Yes?

FELIX

Sand dunes.

O’HARA

Sand dunes?

FELIX

It was sand dunes, sir.

O’HARA

What do you mean?

FELIX

Why we climbed on to the church roof. The sand dunes were up against the church that high. We just climbed the sand dunes to the roof. The moon was full and red and so big we thought we could touch it. I mean it was right there. It was like you could climb into one of the craters.

O’HARA

Well, some neighbor called the police.

FELIX

I’m glad they put handcuffs on us and took us to jail. I pretended it was Siberia and I was Raskolnikov. Russians like to suffer, Mr. O’Hara.

O’HARA

The police let you out and there’s no charge, but you cannot trespass on private property.

FELIX

We wanted a better look at the moon, sir.

O’HARA

Mr. Tecino saw you on your bike in East Hampton on Thursday.

FELIX

Mr. Tecino?

O’HARA

Yes.

FELIX

You mean Mr. Tecino.

O’HARA

Yes, he saw you.

FELIX

In East Hampton?

O’HARA

Yes. Is that surprising?

FELIX

Mr. Tecino?

O’HARA

That’s right.

FELIX

Huh…?

O’HARA

What, huh?

FELIX

Mr. Tecino in East Hampton.

O’HARA

He saw you.

FELIX

That’s funny.

O’HARA

Why is that funny?

FELIX

What was Mr. Tecino doing in East Hampton on Thursday afternoon?

O’HARA

What were you doing in East Hampton Thursday afternoon?

FELIX

In East Hampton?

O’HARA

Yes.

FELIX

Me?

O’HARA

You.

FELIX

Did he see me on my bicycle?

O’HARA

Novak, you have been going to that house.

FELIX

What house?

O’HARA

Novak!

FELIX

Mr. Tecino followed me. I thought I was being followed. I don’t think people should follow other people. Not that I mind, I mean it’s like a spy movie, which I like. I pretend to be a spy sometimes.

O’HARA

Felix, you cannot hang around that house. How did you find it, anyway?

FELIX

What house?

O’HARA

Felix!

FELIX

Oh, that house! The house in East Hampton. Mr. O’Hara, you should see it. There are cats and raccoons all over the place and they eat right out of your hand and there are these two wild old ladies there, mother and daughter, and they sing and tell stories and the daughter dances and I make them laugh. They call me Felix the Cat and I go to the store to get butter pecan ice cream for them and they eat it right out of the carton with a knife and, oh, the place is a mess, and that’s all they eat sometimes, I mean, you have no idea, this old overgrown, I mean overgrown mansion with these two crazy ladies and…

O’HARA

Felix, stay away from that house. Incidentally, how did you find that house?

FELIX

Riding around. I thought it was abandoned, like an old haunted house or something.

O’HARA

Let me ask you one more question.

FELIX

Sir?

O’HARA

Who is Mimi Amberson?

FELIX

Mimi Amberson, sir?

O’HARA

Yes, her grandmother has called me on several occasions, a Mrs. Abigail  Amberson.

FELIX

Abigail Amberson, sir?

O’HARA

Mimi Amberson’s Grandmother.

FELIX

I kind of like Mimi, sir. I didn’t know her grandmother’s name.

O’HARA

She sits in her house with binoculars on Flying Point and sees you ride your bicycle up to the side of the house. She sees you change your clothes and throw pebbles at Mimi’s window, but that’s neither here nor there.

FELIX

Sometimes we go to the beach, sir. That’s all.

O’HARA

Mrs. Amberson doesn’t like it. (He takes out paper and a pen and begins to write.)

FELIX

What are you doing, sir?

O’HARA

Novak, I am writing a letter to your mother.

FELIX

Sir?

O’HARA

(Reading as he writes.) Dear Mrs. Novak:  It has come to our attention that…

FELIX

Sir?

O’HARA

What is it, Felix.

FELIX

My mother isn’t Mrs. Novak.

O’HARA

Your mother isn’t Mrs. Novak.

FELIX

No, sir.

O’HARA

Oh, yes, of course, of course. I keep forgetting, at Nyack Prep School, practically every boy’s mother has a different last name from their son. Mrs. Davis, isn’t that right?

FELIX

Yes, sir.

O’HARA

It’s hard to keep track. (Continues to write.)

FELIX

Why are you writing a letter to my mother, sir?

O’HARA

I am going to ask her to withdraw you from the school. I think this is the best way to proceed. I am letting her know the details of the situation and I am calling her on the telephone as well tomorrow to discuss the best course of action. Wouldn’t you rather withdraw than be expelled? “It has come to our attention that your son, Felix Sanford Novak…

FELIX

Sir?

O’HARA

Like the cat.

FELIX

Like the cat, sir.

O’HARA

Felix the cat.

FELIX

Oh, yeah.

O’HARA

“Has been missing classes on a regular bases, has no intention of going to those classes, algebra and chemistry, and has been…” (Stops reading but keeps writing.)

FELIX

Do you have to write a letter to my mother, sir?

O’HARA

I don’t see any other way.

FELIX

You don’t see any other way, sir?

O’HARA

I do not.

FELIX

But Mimi is beautiful, sir. She doesn’t say much, but she smiles all the time and she’s happy to see me. We ride bikes together sometimes.

O’HARA

You ride bikes together.

FELIX

Yes. You should write that in the letter, about Mimi Amberson and her big brown eyes and red hair. Tell my mother about that. And tell her about the crazy ladies who like me and their cats and raccoons, and about Nick Adonio at Sip’n Soda. Let her know that these people don’t send me away, that they are happy to see me. Tell her about Farley and Berman and the red moon so big that if you climb on to a church roof at the beach, you can reach the moon. Put all of that into the letter, sir.

O’HARA

Novak, are any of the boys smoking marijuana?

FELIX

No, sir. Not that I know of, sir.

O’HARA

Felix?

FELIX

Yes, sir? (As he exits.)

O’HARA

Maybe if we held classes outside?

FELIX

Maybe, sir. (exits)

O’HARA

(To himself as he crumples the letter and throws it out.) Get a haircut, Novak.

LIGHTS FADE

-Dan Sklar-